Dear Ms. Heart and Mr. Brain,

Seasons Greetings!
I am writing to you both regarding the situation I came across previously. My confusion and need for freedom.

Ms. Heart, ii have been very dedicated to not letting little things get to me, especially when those little things are my boyfriend's negative personality traits. You and I both know this is part of my character and how I have always been. 

Mr. Brain, I have been trying my best to keep my frustrations to a minimal, since I have always had a short temper. But when I try to share my thoughts and let him know what is bothering me about the whole situation, things still refuse to change.He refuses to see the repetition in his behavior. There is only so much I can do until I finally do get completely frustrated-inside and out. Yes, I know all this is wearing you out, Mr. Brain, I just want you to know, I am grateful for your cooperation.

I still try to remain calm, after all is piled on, I hold it all in. It is a hard battle between the two of you, Ms. Heart and Mr. Brain. But this is the first time I've ever been so...hopeless with this relationship..and even though I promised myself I'd never go ahead and build hopes and dreams up on another guy...I did, subconsciously of course, or so I assume. And this is all irritating me because... because he's starting to fail the requirements of my "soul mate", of what I need in a partner and Ms. Heart, Mr. Brain was right, I have to think logically this time, I can't pull the same stunt as before.

Yes, Ms. Heart, he does make me happy and cares for me and it does show. We have grown attached to each other and our families permit us to be ourselves around them but at the same time, I can't have a life with someone who can't carry his own weight in the adult world. Yes, Mr. Brain I know, I know I'm still young there is still time for him to try and grow up. But at the same time... would it be worth it sticking around for the chance of a maybe he's the right one? Or to be the one he commits repetitive life-revealing mistakes with for him to learn his lessons? Or should I just let him flourish and fall and pick himself up on his own path, while I trot on mine, as friends rather than intimate companions?

I haven't completed my journey to finding myself, but I know enough, and although I've lost a lot of confidence in who I am all over again, it's only because I've been rebuilding myself again, and a segment of my foundation isn't very sturdy as yet. I'm still working on it. But that's the thing Ms. Heart, I'm working on me, whereas he's continuously running away from himself. I'm not one for toys, and electronics, and cars, and fun. I mean yes I would love to have all of those things, and more, but at the same time, I don't revolve my life around such petty things. I mean.... I wasted an entire day, which I was supposed to be spent pursuing family oriented tasks and favours, and my own personal chores...to watch a twenty-three year old play with a surround sound system and a new television . My day was wasted....I did nothing productive... I would have rather spent the day at work with customers yelling at me...at least I'd be getting paid.

And I know he performs similar sacrifices for me..but I don't think he acknowledges the toll it takes when you push back today's tasks for tomorrow. The list of things to do just doubles the next day...and he hasn't learned these initial stages of responsibility as yet, and it frustrates me. It seriously does.

I envy the fact that he can live so...nonchalantly and not try to take control of what's going on in his own life. He still lives like a child at twenty-three. And I've had to grow up at Eleven.

I guess that's why I'm writing to you both. It's a battle between logic and emotions. I know if I speak to him he'll make an effort to please me initially, but in the end it'll all turn to a deformed piece of clay. I don't want to make him learn, just like I didn't want to make him go to school, but he doesn't seem to be able to stand up to me. I do want to be with him, but at the same time, I want a selfish life and allow myself to focus on my own personal growth. It's rough waters, yet a calm sail through...and I've been having this battle with myself for a while, and it's only tonight that I realize, over setting up a new home entertainment system, what it was all about. Pathetic, I know.

I have decided to start focusing on myself in small ways to help boost my self esteem again, since it's been shrinking drastically. And I'm not quite sure what triggered it but all I know is, I gotta start sometime rather than dragging myself behind into this whole confusion, at least it's one thing I think I can still focus on. 

Do provide me your feedback.

Eagerly waiting,

Girl vs. Sanity

Ever Ending.

Even when you think things are goin’ alright.
Always listen to that voice inside,
She gives you forewarning of her sight.
Although to your dislike the outcome may be,
Your losses you should cut earlier in the day.
Preventative measures always go a long way
To preserve all the innocence in hope that remains.

Decaying Infliction

Turning bitter, turning green.
Smell the bile through her nostrils
Upchuck the contents of her insides.
Nicotine, Nicotine and wine.

She will go on peeling, picking at herself.
Go on peeling these freshly sealed cuts.
If only he knew how confined his vision of absorbance is.
Selective hearing is only an advantage when someone is tuning the negatives out.
He is living the meaningless life of satisfying everyone else, just for this quick moment,
Rather than picking himself up, and creating self worth.

No one's perfect,
You find perfection within someone,
When the puzzle piece fits within each others desires and persona.

She do not strive with this death.
She learns.
Go on peeling, peeling this rotting infliction.
This is where I stand. I acknowledge where you do.
And I'm not sorry for wanting more, cause I know he is capable.
But I can't watch him waste away, not anymore.
Here is where I close the door.