Unstable thoughts

You know what is the most painful thing about it all?

That you existed... And met all my unrealistic standards. 

Maybe you're right. Maybe we are not right for each other now, and it takes a strong person to acknowledge that. Maybe we did dodge a bullet by stopping it now. Who knows. Maybe we were supposed to just be another stepping stone in life's lessons to each other. I don't know. 

I'm just trying to see the light in this. I've been envisioning letting things go to try and get some numbing relief. 

And the petty side of me is annoyed by not knowing what triggered the thought within you. I'm hoping you hurt harder and longer than I do. I hope you end up regretting it. 

My adult heart ache

It's been a long time since I've felt the desire to write. But I think all I was missing was a little bit of inspiration. And he walked in and out of my life. Just like that.

Like he said, we were both similar and opposites all at the same time. He pulled at my inner child. He encouraged my weird. Which has been hidden from those that have walts into my life for the past ten years. He inspired a different magnitude of excitement and it was beautiful.
He made me smile with his stupid adorable humour. He made me want to put aside my pride and break down my walls.
He made me fall and fly all at the same time.

And just like that, it was over before it began. And I'm angry? Sad? Heartbroken. All mixed in like a painful disease that I want cured.

We weren't ready for each other,  he felt. Of course I digressed. But I knew screaming and shouting it would be useless.
He said maybe down the line, once we've fixed ourselves. He didn't understand I wanted him, imperfections and all. But I also understood that he wanted to preserve what could have been. And that destroyed me.

I'm not going to lie. It's been ages since I've cried over someone. Let alone never cried over someone I didn't get to have. Stupid right? Yeah. I thought so too.

So here is me venting, trying to get back to my numb and meaningless ways. Wish me luck.

The next phase

I have surpassed various significant stages to enter into this phase. A new unexplored and unexpected phase of adulthood. I am carrying a life inside my very own being. This life is a body completely separate from mine yet within me, growing, being sheltered, being loved, being provided for. This is the easiest step (pregnancy) of the whole adjustment of becoming responsible for another life, that's what I believe at least. I mean it hasn't been a walk in the park, with all the physical, emotional, mental changes that bombarded me, in what felt like a month, but rather has been taking place in the past 7 months, non-stop.
My baby is nearing the completion of the first part of his journey and myself and those that love and support me are excited and antsy to meet him.
I have finally decided on a name, Hunter. Unfortunately, I am alone in this when it. comes to his parenting, he will not have a father present. His father feels he is an accident, and regrets Hunter's existence so I have chosen to raise him on my own. I have been challenged several times by the sperm doner, regarding his rights to being Hunter's father. But as far as his fatherhood goes, he's still living like he's. 16, despite already having two offspring from a previous relationship.
I don't think I am screwed, I could have been a better judge of character but unfortunately I wasn't and I know my life is good to change forever, and I've been told it's one of the hardest things to experience, but I know my strength, and I know all of the changes in my life and priorities are going to orbit my little one.
And I am glad it's for a reason like him.

I have been lost

All I can relate this feeling to, is there being a filament of an impenetrable material surrounding all my mental and physical senses. To the point where a full thought or message cannot be read or processed by my mind, whether it be my own or myself as a receiver. Emotion cannot be received or displayed.

The monster within

I have to remember to write things down or else I forget mind states I  go through, and then when faced with it again, it takes a lot to pull me out.  I don't yet understand the control my mind has over my emotions. Especially with people close to me, whom are very limited. Recently I've had to deal with the decision my little sister,  who has also been my best friend since she was born,  has made of moving to another province in a few months with her new beau. I have no problems with him, and I believe I support her completely since I've helped her plan, think, and break the news about it to my parents. But i think by doing so, it's finally set in. The reality of it all. My mind has been distracting itself constantly with other responsibilities and issues around the house and around my life but is it doing so automatically? Because I don't remember asking it to numb my insides to anything and anyone. And initially, i was unaware of what was wrong with me. I thought for sure medication was the culprit since I've been sick for a couple of weeks. But no, it was more than that. I woke up this morning with  it clicking in my head -  she's leaving in less than a month. I don't get to feel her embrace, or cry to her when she comes home. Or have our regular sessions of tea and cigarettes and a breakdown of the week or days events.
What sucks is, we've even gotten closer than we were these past few months, which I didn't think was possible.
How will I say bye and let her leave.? I understand at some point in our life it was bound to happen but... I never thought it would be instantly.
It's not like I'm envious, I'm genuinely happy for her that things are starting to click for her and she is starting to find and develop the person she wants to become. Bah. I don't want my emotions to shut down, though it has already begun. I hate feeling numb. Considering my emotions recently motivate me.
Writing always helped get this mind puke out... Always allows me to structure my thoughts coherently enough for me to understand them... Hence why this is the first thing I decided to do this beautiful morning, cigarette in hand... Tea by my side.

Canadian Bucket List

I've been in Canada long enough for no excuses to be worth it for not doing any of these activities!!

-Ice skating
-Snowboarding
-Camping
-Paintball
-Lazer tag
-Visiting different provinces

I've been pre-occupied in adjusting, working, being a broke student and living...

When do you give in?

To the void
To your sins
To the emptiness within.

What does it take?
To make it stop
To not give up
To find a good mistake.

Why do I fall?
For the nonsense
For it all.

How do they cope?
Living in ignorance
With no significant importance.

Why does it aggravate me

To see so many solitary.

Complaining and idle.

Sail away

Oh captain, my captain
Where shall we sail today?
Oh captain, my captain
Are we to wander aimlessly, and come what may?

How long will it last,
How long will you be thinking of me?
How long will it be,
Till I'm nothing but a memory?

Short tale..

Dedicated to my friend Zeina

once upon a time.... 

in a far away land.... 

there was a pretty, lovely girl who sold her heart to a very manipulative man. 

He told her things she wanted to hear

he temporary relieved her of all her fears....

But when the time came, 

to prove his worth. 

No action was taken, 

until despair gave birth. 

For all she ever wanted 

was to be loved in exchange, 

to be treated like his queen, 

to be his aim. 

Alas, 

this is but a tale of a lover's demise, 

the consequences of loving full-hearted, 

but with closed eyes.

"Oh, Nothing"

What are you thinking about?

At what point does something that means nothing turn into something important?
Are we aware when such instances are in progress and when they start taking place?

Is it invited? 

Is it expected? 

Is there a chance of being disappointed?

Do we take the risk, just to find the answers?
Or, is it because we're addicted to the emotional rush?

Are your eyes open? 

Can you perceive this?

Do you understand why I'm making you ponder?

The idle belief of don't over-think , don't give it much thought has been pushed, and pushed and pushed

to the point where there no longer is a point. 

Because now, your average thinker no longer thinks.

Those that exercise the mind to destructive extremes feel solitary in their over-thought.

And those that don't think at all fit in with all the idle minds that exist.

Now, is this mindset/belief/lifestyle what triggers the lack of common sense?

Because for the extreme thinkers, common sense is obviously no longer common.

Majority of people no longer think unless the thought process is required to better their self-imploring success to strive and survive in civilization.

My Birthday Wishes... I think they're creative!

May this year serenade you with pleasantries and growth.
May you have more opportunities to orchestrate success consistently.
May your wishes come true. Happy Birthday!

I wish you many smiled filled mornings,
And restful nights.
Never lose your hopeful outlook, and opportunity will always find it's way to you.
I wish you more merriment this year, then your last, and more great things to come, with no bounds. 

My friend who turned 23.

I regret to inform you that you are now nearing an age that is considered the age where most individuals start families, graduate college/university, get married, own their very first car, realize they are $25,000 in debt, and last but not least: realize there's only two more years until they've reached halfway to 50, and a quarter way to 100.
But we both know we're rebels and don't follow the stereotypical timeline of "life" cause that's badass =P

Anyway, my point is, "its not how you live your life - it's how you enjoy it."

Have a splendid birth-anniversary!

He is Beautiful

He is beautiful,
In daylight and when darkness awakens.

He leaves me breathless
Every time he beckons.

I don't understand why
It has progressed so fast.
He's changed my mind.
My feelings growing vast.

I rush to my slumber to speed up time,
So I no longer have to count down till I can hold what's mine.

What is this illness?
No ailment explained.
Symptoms of ecstasy,
Misplaced consciousness,
My heart to blame.

He is like candy,
of the venomous array.
He spreads inside me,
constricting my veins.
One mere incident,
was all it took.

To fall in love, by the book.

Toleration

Sky blue,
A blue drenched in warm sunlight,
Soaked in ocean green.
I can't look away;
I can't get you out of sight.

I'm stumped as to how we met.
I'm confused as to what to do.
I'm fighting my habit;
I'm fighting my need to be with you.

I smile my stupid smile when you're around,
I grin my blush-engulfed grin.
I starve for your lips while they are on mine;
I hunger for kiss after kiss.
The more he touches me,
the more I miss.
The more I want all of him:
His arms, his hold, his kiss.

I have been poisoned

With this addictive intoxicated bliss!
I'm still fighting it,
And there's not a bone in me that can tolerate it
Anymore.

Say it.

Call me stupid for loving wholeheartedly, be my guest, rip into me.
But don't dare to judge me unless you know me.
Don't dare to analyze me,
Unless you dare to peel away the skin.

Peel the layers one by one,
Push the right buttons,
This may not be fun.
I exude acidic venom of defeat,
It is not neat,
It is not pleasurable in any way.

Stop and Re-think, before you Repeat, a Regretful experience.

You rinse, dry, and use, and use...
allover
Reuse, reuse, reduce.

You use, dispose, buy and buy...
another.
Misuse, misuse, abuse.

You wonder what's the point of it all.
Why attempt another brutal climb,
After a fall, fall, fall.

Endless consumption

To fear is to be consumed.
Consumed by doubt.
Consumed by probability.
Consumed by the inability.
to proceed with the unfamiliarity
of obstacles that promote,
self-growth.

Belittling beings

I am losing myself in this insanity,

This self-afflicted solidarity.

Nipping off people with an absence of depth

Like infected taste buds.

The blood, the blood!

She surrounds,

I am left

Dumbfounded

By your miniature perception to life.
Humans are pathetic, lost in meaningless lives,
For slender battles, with unfulfilling ways
as their reason.
Their reason for fate, and life.
Their cause is but to perish into replenishing those more worthy.

Insanity

Strum your strings oh instrument of music,
Go on, toot your horn.
Sing your song, sweet nightingale.

Today, a new lover is born.

Write your words oh instrument of virtue,
Go on, share your merit.
Preach your wisdom, oh divine oracle.

Tonight, a new lover is dead.

Portray your emotion oh instrument of sorrow,
Go on, weep to the world.
Shower your tears, poor widow of love.

Dear lover, who's lost her head.

A Synonym to 'Perhaps'

Deminish the Darkness
Thread into the Light
Fight the wrong
Justify the right

For what is lost
You hope will be found
For those that are blind,
By despair be bound

Will it be you?
Will it be me?
Will it be them?
Perhaps all of the above, perhaps it's we?

Is it him?
Is it she?
Is there a child?
Is it all three?

Shall it be her?
Shall it be he?
The questions they ask, with one consistent response, "maybe."

(Based off a friend's poem. Original may be found here:  https://www.facebook.com/notes/adam-rae/maybe/338919754963 )

Around and Around we Go

"Lets twirl," she said.

They spun with smiles brighter than summer days,

with smiles resembling flowers in May.

Blooming and shooting through nooks and cranny's.

Illuminating all that touches their eyes.

They spun, they spun.

Underneath the afternoon sun.

They twirled until the world kept spinning,

and they were on their knees.

They pleaded, they pleaded.

For more movement, and warm sun.

They begged the sun to spin along.

Arise, now asleep.

Good night, they weep.

Their dizzy spells have come to an end.

Good night they whimpered, into dented pillows.

They yawn and rest their heads.
"To bed, to bed," she said.

Photograph derived from: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9hantzjY71rf0ueio1_500.jpg