The next phase

I have surpassed various significant stages to enter into this phase. A new unexplored and unexpected phase of adulthood. I am carrying a life inside my very own being. This life is a body completely separate from mine yet within me, growing, being sheltered, being loved, being provided for. This is the easiest step (pregnancy) of the whole adjustment of becoming responsible for another life, that's what I believe at least. I mean it hasn't been a walk in the park, with all the physical, emotional, mental changes that bombarded me, in what felt like a month, but rather has been taking place in the past 7 months, non-stop.
My baby is nearing the completion of the first part of his journey and myself and those that love and support me are excited and antsy to meet him.
I have finally decided on a name, Hunter. Unfortunately, I am alone in this when it. comes to his parenting, he will not have a father present. His father feels he is an accident, and regrets Hunter's existence so I have chosen to raise him on my own. I have been challenged several times by the sperm doner, regarding his rights to being Hunter's father. But as far as his fatherhood goes, he's still living like he's. 16, despite already having two offspring from a previous relationship.
I don't think I am screwed, I could have been a better judge of character but unfortunately I wasn't and I know my life is good to change forever, and I've been told it's one of the hardest things to experience, but I know my strength, and I know all of the changes in my life and priorities are going to orbit my little one.
And I am glad it's for a reason like him.

I have been lost

All I can relate this feeling to, is there being a filament of an impenetrable material surrounding all my mental and physical senses. To the point where a full thought or message cannot be read or processed by my mind, whether it be my own or myself as a receiver. Emotion cannot be received or displayed.

The monster within

I have to remember to write things down or else I forget mind states I  go through, and then when faced with it again, it takes a lot to pull me out.  I don't yet understand the control my mind has over my emotions. Especially with people close to me, whom are very limited. Recently I've had to deal with the decision my little sister,  who has also been my best friend since she was born,  has made of moving to another province in a few months with her new beau. I have no problems with him, and I believe I support her completely since I've helped her plan, think, and break the news about it to my parents. But i think by doing so, it's finally set in. The reality of it all. My mind has been distracting itself constantly with other responsibilities and issues around the house and around my life but is it doing so automatically? Because I don't remember asking it to numb my insides to anything and anyone. And initially, i was unaware of what was wrong with me. I thought for sure medication was the culprit since I've been sick for a couple of weeks. But no, it was more than that. I woke up this morning with  it clicking in my head -  she's leaving in less than a month. I don't get to feel her embrace, or cry to her when she comes home. Or have our regular sessions of tea and cigarettes and a breakdown of the week or days events.
What sucks is, we've even gotten closer than we were these past few months, which I didn't think was possible.
How will I say bye and let her leave.? I understand at some point in our life it was bound to happen but... I never thought it would be instantly.
It's not like I'm envious, I'm genuinely happy for her that things are starting to click for her and she is starting to find and develop the person she wants to become. Bah. I don't want my emotions to shut down, though it has already begun. I hate feeling numb. Considering my emotions recently motivate me.
Writing always helped get this mind puke out... Always allows me to structure my thoughts coherently enough for me to understand them... Hence why this is the first thing I decided to do this beautiful morning, cigarette in hand... Tea by my side.

Canadian Bucket List

I've been in Canada long enough for no excuses to be worth it for not doing any of these activities!!

-Ice skating
-Snowboarding
-Camping
-Paintball
-Lazer tag
-Visiting different provinces

I've been pre-occupied in adjusting, working, being a broke student and living...

When do you give in?

To the void
To your sins
To the emptiness within.

What does it take?
To make it stop
To not give up
To find a good mistake.

Why do I fall?
For the nonsense
For it all.

How do they cope?
Living in ignorance
With no significant importance.

Why does it aggravate me

To see so many solitary.

Complaining and idle.

Sail away

Oh captain, my captain
Where shall we sail today?
Oh captain, my captain
Are we to wander aimlessly, and come what may?

How long will it last,
How long will you be thinking of me?
How long will it be,
Till I'm nothing but a memory?

Short tale..

Dedicated to my friend Zeina

once upon a time.... 

in a far away land.... 

there was a pretty, lovely girl who sold her heart to a very manipulative man. 

He told her things she wanted to hear

he temporary relieved her of all her fears....

But when the time came, 

to prove his worth. 

No action was taken, 

until despair gave birth. 

For all she ever wanted 

was to be loved in exchange, 

to be treated like his queen, 

to be his aim. 

Alas, 

this is but a tale of a lover's demise, 

the consequences of loving full-hearted, 

but with closed eyes.