I have been lost

All I can relate this feeling to, is there being a filament of an impenetrable material surrounding all my mental and physical senses. To the point where a full thought or message cannot be read or processed by my mind, whether it be my own or myself as a receiver. Emotion cannot be received or displayed.

The monster within

I have to remember to write things down or else I forget mind states I  go through, and then when faced with it again, it takes a lot to pull me out.  I don't yet understand the control my mind has over my emotions. Especially with people close to me, whom are very limited. Recently I've had to deal with the decision my little sister,  who has also been my best friend since she was born,  has made of moving to another province in a few months with her new beau. I have no problems with him, and I believe I support her completely since I've helped her plan, think, and break the news about it to my parents. But i think by doing so, it's finally set in. The reality of it all. My mind has been distracting itself constantly with other responsibilities and issues around the house and around my life but is it doing so automatically? Because I don't remember asking it to numb my insides to anything and anyone. And initially, i was unaware of what was wrong with me. I thought for sure medication was the culprit since I've been sick for a couple of weeks. But no, it was more than that. I woke up this morning with  it clicking in my head -  she's leaving in less than a month. I don't get to feel her embrace, or cry to her when she comes home. Or have our regular sessions of tea and cigarettes and a breakdown of the week or days events.
What sucks is, we've even gotten closer than we were these past few months, which I didn't think was possible.
How will I say bye and let her leave.? I understand at some point in our life it was bound to happen but... I never thought it would be instantly.
It's not like I'm envious, I'm genuinely happy for her that things are starting to click for her and she is starting to find and develop the person she wants to become. Bah. I don't want my emotions to shut down, though it has already begun. I hate feeling numb. Considering my emotions recently motivate me.
Writing always helped get this mind puke out... Always allows me to structure my thoughts coherently enough for me to understand them... Hence why this is the first thing I decided to do this beautiful morning, cigarette in hand... Tea by my side.

Canadian Bucket List

I've been in Canada long enough for no excuses to be worth it for not doing any of these activities!!

-Ice skating
-Snowboarding
-Camping
-Paintball
-Lazer tag
-Visiting different provinces

I've been pre-occupied in adjusting, working, being a broke student and living...

When do you give in?

To the void
To your sins
To the emptiness within.

What does it take?
To make it stop
To not give up
To find a good mistake.

Why do I fall?
For the nonsense
For it all.

How do they cope?
Living in ignorance
With no significant importance.

Why does it aggravate me

To see so many solitary.

Complaining and idle.