So three days have passed, I've consumed: a piece of bacon and two crackers, 4 bottles of wine, and a 26er of Vodka. I've absorbed a collaboration of 15hrs of sleep and today having that face to face conversation made me realize, my first relationship that's surpassed two months, in fact surpassed almost two years...is...completely...
Over.
There's no cooling down, no make up sex, no making up, none of that! Haha. I haven't shed a tear yet, I guess my friends have been scoring 10s on their attempts to keep me smiling and positive. I love them, may any positive karma I have, touch your lives immensely.
Every break up I've had, I've cried about. Well...every meaningful one. Actually I've cried for days and weeks in a row. What I don't completely comprehend is why I don't feel that urgency to shed a tear as yet. Am I still angry? I guess I could be, I could just be seeing past my fury. But it might be somewhere back there lingering in the corners of my mind. Yes I believe my mind has corners, 7 of them. What shape is it? I really couldn't tell ya. It's just really fucked up.
Am I sad? Will I be? Do I want to get back with him?
Yes I'm sad, I guess? If this is what mature sadness feels like, I guess I am.
Do I want to get back together?
See here is where I am torn, a part of me wants to, for that four letter word's sake. No not fuck, love.
But I refuse to acknowledge that what I feel is truly the love I felt learning of him.
I guess...This is another learning obstacle.
Liam has been good to me though, and he's been pulling my quickly corroding self-esteem out of the puddle of water and salt. I guess...in reality... come to think of it.
I lost a boyfriend. But gained many good friends, good and close.
Liam's my male bestie, he knows my emotions inside out.
Lish has been a close one, but we've shared conversation that...no human beings should haha.
I also moved from acquaintance to growing-friends with a college classmate. Having a 7 hour conversation on the phone probably gave that a kick start.
My parents and I aren't on awesome terms, but that's normal, they're fucked.
I'm highly researching an apartment for myself and a roommate within the next 2 months considering I've been doing nothing to my pay cheques but saving, I actually have a fair amount conserved. And I'm not dating someone who doesn't have a steady income so....I guess that's a high bonus.
Alright so maybe there are more tangible pros then intangible cons which seems like a fair trade I guess. I won't figure it out until I endure a breakthrough.
Alright World, show me what lesson I was supposed to acquire from the waste of time that was my last 2 years.
