The contents of Summer 2011

*Heartbreak
*Overcoming Heartbreak
*Met new people
*House party
*House party
*House Parteyyyy!
*Met more new people
*Developed closer friendships with existing people
*Clubbing
*Birthday bashes
*House party
*House party
*House party
*New tattoo
*Met Adrian <3
*Dramatic event
*Dramatic event
*Dramatic event
*Wonderland
*The exhibition
*Wonderland
*The exhibition
*School
*Acquired a new addition to the family, Princess, my rottie.
*Booming, Booming, and Booming again.
*Regaining past broken relationships
*Finding a few pieces of me
*Learning more, and building more about myself
*Very few pictures for memory, thumbs down.
*Climbing cliffs and trails
*Climbing rooftops
*watching My darkest days live on set, perform their new music video
*Exploring a haunted house and ground
*Seeing a ghost
*having a fire at the beach
*witnessing a meteorshower
*Kissing on the first date
*Chickening out before anything began.

This feels different, so intriguing....

A mere stranger.
A simple hello.
A sensual smile.
Woe.

The twinkle in your eyes,
Your swift approach,
Rockin' your jeans, and that cowboy hat,
I couldn't believe you were real.

I thought it was too good to be true,
that someone probably challenged you,
Until we met once more.

I think I'm dreaming, I think...you just jumped out of my dreams,
The kindest things you sing.
Words I find cheesy, yet adore.
I can't stop wanting more.

I miss you, stranger.
Lets try this again, because I have a strong feeling, this barely began.

Dedicated to: Adrian, starring as my Asian Cowboy.

Second chances....

A second chance is only vital and successful when both parties feel like they have been given a chance to salvage something which has been deemed important to both individuals. In this scenario, it was only Juliet that found importance and meaning in being with Romeo. It's nearing a week of zero contact and communication, I'm weening myself off of him full-throttle. Fact that we share a job doesn't make it easier, but oh well.
You made Summer 2009- Summer 2010 awesome. Sucks that that's all she wrote!
Still struggling with deleting videos, photographs, etc. But it gets better with time right, so here's to my summer battle of 2011, ignoring his existence.

A second shot!!

Oh-Mai-Effin'.......................... YESSSS!!

Thank you Aphrodite! We are fixing things, this is the real thing<3
I have another chance with the love of my life! My 6 feet and 2 inches of sheer awesome man!
We're working on us again !!
 In three years...once I have everything settled in. I'm proposing to him and marrying him!!

All my life I've been good, but now!

Incomprehensible yet shared, the void between
Two beings separated by the obstacles of thought. If things were to end, knowing now what you would then, would you embrace the chance of a final love? To swallow this manipulable fate is what chokes my heart. To have lost herself to the evils of what she sang against. The evil of hope, dreams, and love. To what would destroy mere mortals. To have lost herself to you.

I'm seriously thinkin' What the hell!

Serious confession, I've realized we're over. [a draft that wasn't posted+more]

So three days have passed, I've consumed: a piece of bacon and two crackers, 4 bottles of wine, and a 26er of Vodka. I've absorbed a collaboration of 15hrs of sleep and today having that face to face conversation made me realize, my first relationship that's surpassed two months, in fact surpassed almost two years...is...completely...

Over.

There's no cooling down, no make up sex, no making up, none of that! Haha. I haven't shed a tear yet, I guess my friends have been scoring 10s on their attempts to keep me smiling and positive. I love them, may any positive karma I have, touch your lives immensely.

Every break up I've had, I've cried about. Well...every meaningful one. Actually I've cried for days and weeks in a row. What I don't completely comprehend is why I don't feel that urgency to shed a tear as yet. Am I still angry? I guess I could be, I could just be seeing past my fury. But it might be somewhere back there lingering in the corners of my mind. Yes I believe my mind has corners, 7 of them. What shape is it? I really couldn't tell ya. It's just really fucked up.

Am I sad? Will I be? Do I want to get back with him? 

Yes I'm sad, I guess? If this is what mature sadness feels like, I guess I am.

Do I want to get back together?

See here is where I am torn, a part of me wants to, for that four letter word's sake. No not fuck, love.

But I refuse to acknowledge that what I feel is truly the love I felt learning of him.

I guess...This is another learning obstacle.

Liam has been good to me though, and he's been pulling my quickly corroding self-esteem out of the puddle of water and salt. I guess...in reality... come to think of it.

I lost a boyfriend. But gained many good friends, good and close.

Liam's my male bestie, he knows my emotions inside out.

Lish has been a close one, but we've shared conversation that...no human beings should haha.

I also moved from acquaintance to growing-friends with a college classmate. Having a 7 hour conversation on the phone probably gave that a kick start.

My parents and I aren't on awesome terms, but that's normal, they're fucked. 

I'm highly researching an apartment for myself and a roommate within the next 2 months considering I've been doing nothing to my pay cheques but saving, I actually have a fair amount conserved. And I'm not dating someone who doesn't have a steady income so....I guess that's a high bonus.

Alright so maybe there are more tangible pros then intangible cons which seems like a fair trade I guess. I won't figure it out until I endure a breakthrough. 

Alright World, show me what lesson I was supposed to acquire from the waste of time that was my last 2 years.

Say hurrah !

Excitement to every extent
At the mere thought of a fifty-fifty chance of an encounter tonight.
He is my indulgent delight.

You are my ideal drug, with the right dosage of uplifting-high.
Too bad i couldn't foresee the future it was to be.
The mold within the decadent cheese.
The maggot within the steak.
This morbidity has unveiled  herself once again.
The ecstasy experienced from such perception is quite extravagant
Feeling exuberant, quite delightful.
Don't halt there! Inspire me some more!

Taking a break from ACCT 110.

School sucks. Period.

After missing so many classes because of all this Drama... time for me to try and understand adjusting entries in a span of an hour. It's working so far but! The job doesn't end there. Two more assignments after that....and two or more days of cramming and assignments....yippie!

Received Closure

I've overcome the shock, and accepting stages, right now it's indifference towards the whole thing. What had to be done was done, although he kept pleading for friendship. 'Tis a hard thing to acquire after the ordeal, nor would I be interested in such since it would be of no benefit to me. He claimed it was an act of hate and lack of care, on the contra-ire, it is a middle ground for both of us. I said my farewell, he wouldn't do his.

Its been a month and a half ... biological clock, quit fu*king with me.

All this ending feels so peaceful, I can feel the exhaustion finally settle into hunger for sleep. 6am arguments were harsh to my schedule.

Side note: why remain anonymous?

...

Is it not funny, that those who love him, and want to see him happy...

are what keeps him away from what truly does, ah pride.

I hope you figure your stuff out. I'm sorry I wouldn't succumb to your demands.

It's extremely hard to let go...

Even though I've done everything I could to fuck things up for good. Initially trying to save it did not make a difference, I realize all he wanted from me was ignorance. This is the hardest battle of life. I can't even focus on school or reading, or television, or my own health.

Maybe I need to follow through with everyone's advice and fu*k the pain away? Penny for your thoughts....

F*ck You

I'm not going to be your fucking blow up doll.
I have more self respect then what you want to put me through.
So, Fuck you.
I'm sorry that you were worth way more to me
But I deserve better, and I can definitely get better.

Suicide: My cowardly way out.

I've tried it at the age of 10, again at 12.

I failed each time obviously.

I'm doing my homework about overdosing on drugs...I'm having a hard time finding anything helpful. Any one have any input?
I've always known this to be my way out. I want to make sure this time when I try it, it'll work 110%.

I'd be glad to be a "victim" to a murder. If anyone's interested. As long as I can be high/intoxicated whatever. Numb and in a dreamish world, at least to feel out of this world during the time of death.

Voice in my head #1

The confliction of two puzzle pieces that once fit

Fell apart and the floor they hit.

To mend them then did not seem fit.

The pieces were ignored for nights and days in turn

Growing weary from the impact acquired

They’ve chipped off corners that each other desired.

The void piece A feels within itself is complex.

Although they seem to believe it’s for the best.

Then a bird comes by and drops a note.

The note is read aloud,

“Be thankful and proud, what wasn’t meant to be by destiny will perish within its time, no matter how vital the piece seemed. Move forward forever striving for a new piece will come in healing time.”